TESS CARCALDI

Hello, folks! Long time, no writing.

It’s actually been eight months since I’ve posted a blog on this site, and while I could give you a running list of poor excuses why, I’ll give you the biggest reason:

I’ve been a confused little chameleon.

Naturally, I’d give you a strange answer. But, for most of my life, I really have felt like a chameleon. I’ve always been extremely introverted, especially when meeting new people, and making friends is certainly no easy feat for me. Instead of being the first to introduce myself to others and tell them about my life story, I let other people do that. In fact, you probably won’t know much about me for a long time. I’m a very private person and I like to keep to myself. Ask my extraverted friends–they’ll probably all agree that it took months for me to really open up to them. I’ve always had an extreme fear of judgment that’s made me keep quiet.

Because I found it so difficult to make friends, especially in college, I found myself adapting to my environment like a chameleon. I would showcase the parts of my personality to fit the parts of their personality in order to form a connection as if I were changing my colors to blend in with my surroundings. I did this frequently. And trust me when I say I was NOT being fake; what my friends saw was truly me–but it was only a small portion of me, the portion I believed they would like the most. I was afraid if they saw the other parts of me–especially the bad and the ugly–that they would immediately run for the door and never come back. I didn’t want to feel more alone than I already felt.

So I spent most of my life as a chameleon, and for a while, I was OK with it. But I eventually grew tired of having to adapt myself for other people. It was exhausting having to remember which sides of me I needed to show. And after some time, I looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize who I was. It was like I had just become grey–no more colors.

As many of you know who have followed my writing for a long time, you’d know that this became a very difficult time in my life. Not only was I spreading myself way too thin, I was changing myself way too much for other people, and it weighed too heavily on my heart, soul, and mind.

And it wasn’t until recently that I realized what damage I had caused myself. I was not doing myself any favor by adapting who I was based on who I was around; I wasn’t showing a little bit of my personality, but rather, I was making myself smaller for other people. I was diminishing who I was to make other people more content with my company–and that’s just wrong.

When I finally started to show all sides of my personality, who I really was and what I wanted to do and wanted to be, it’s safe to say I lost friends. I ended friendships and grew apart from people because to them, I was unrecognizable. And while that was sad, it was for the better because I was no longer a confused little chameleon–I was just Tess. I was me. And I knew that as long as I showed all the beautiful, messy parts of me in all my shining glory, the right people would eventually waltz into my life and want to shine with me.

So, that’s where this change in my blog comes from. that girl with glasses was the beginning of my blog, and she was great; but she was only a part of me. It was yet another facade I hid behind in an attempt to make people read my blog and like only the parts I decided to show them.

I want to represent myself on this platform as, well, myself: Tess Carcaldi. Some may know me as Theresa, others as Tess–that doesn’t matter to me. Call me what you want, but on this site, I will be known as what my family and beloved childhood friends have called me forever, the only people who REALLY know me: Tess.

Oh, and if you’re wondering about the quote underneath my name on the homepage, “I am, I am, I am,” it’s from one of my favorite books, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I won’t explain the entirety of this emotionally complex novel, but this what Esther Greenwood imagines her “old heart” saying. It’s a reminder that despite everything she ever experienced, she is alive, she exists, and she is herself. And this will be my reminder as well, and the core of my new blog.

So, here’s to a new beginning as simply me, Tess Carcaldi, because “I am, I am, I am” simply me in all my complexity.