TESS CARCALDI

I had a different intention for my post this week. But as I was scrolling through Instagram today, I came across a post where a follower had asked, “Do you think long distance can work?”

And the response from the account owner really put a fire in my belly.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And trust me, there is a myriad of negative opinions when it comes to the topic of long-distance relationships–I’ve heard them all. Rarely does anyone’s opinion of my relationship faze me anymore because I’ve heard it all and I know what’s best for me more than anyone else does.

But this response bothered me because of how it generalized the people involved in long-distance relationships. She said that she believes they can work if the two people want it to work. But then she continued to generalize people involved in long-distance relationships as people who don’t know the difference between loving and longing, and who experience their relationship in a perfect vacuum. She finished off by stating the obvious and saying “Proximity just hits different.”

And to that I say no shit. Of course being in close proximity to the one you have developed a deep emotional relationship with is more optimal than having lands and oceans separating the two of you. But I’d like to get one thing straight: I don’t plant my ass on the couch all day in my sweats with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s crying my eyes out because I “long” for him and his attention. I don’t have such low self-esteem that I’m settling for someone who lives thousands of miles away from me because I don’t think I could ever have anyone else and I “long” for attention, not love.

I don’t need him and I don’t need his or anyone’s attention. The only person I need in my life is me, myself, and I. I know there are billions of fish in the sea that I could easily have (it’s called high self-esteem, my friends–I know my worth). However, he is the fish I want. I actively choose every single day to be with him in a committed relationship because I actively choose every day to love him and to love every single part of him because his soul complements mine so well, even from a distance. He makes me want to be my best self from a different country. And I have never met a single other soul like that. Ever.

I want to emphasize that when I say I love every single part of him, I mean the good, the bad, and the ugly–because I have seen all of these sides, I have experienced these sides both in our visits to each other and in my everyday life in a simple phone call. Our visits and our interactions are not experienced in a vacuum of perfection, as this woman so blatantly stated.

In fact, the idea that our visits could ever be “perfect” is laughable, and I’m sure James would agree and laugh with me. James and I don’t take off weeks from our jobs and spend a luxurious holiday together at the Ritz-Carlton of wherever feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries in lush, white bathrobes telling each other how perfect we are. And I don’t sob like a baby when he leaves (not anymore, at least, because I am a strong independent woman and I suck it up and get back to my badass life).

The reality is that James and I do all the things people in said “close-proximity relationships” (for a play on words) do. James and I go on those grocery runs together to get appetizers and alcohol for Thanksgiving Day so my parents don’t have to–the same glorious grocery trips that this Instagrammer claims are one of the best parts of a “close-proximity relationship.” Yeah, we take those too, honey.

Our visits are me setting the table while he helps carve the turkey surrounded by my family. Our visits are me grabbing lunch with his lovely, incredible mum because he still has to work that day like any other normal human being. Our visits are me backseat driving and him getting annoyed for it. Our visits are fighting over directions because I always think I’m right even though I have no sense of direction and him having to put up with it until I finally give in. Our visits are tending to the other when we are sick. Our visits are breakfast dates followed by upset tummies. Our visits are filled with being there for important milestones. Our visits are taking goofy selfies. Our visits are me yelling at him for not shutting the bathroom door after he was in there–if you know what I mean (he will kill me for this lol). Our visits are just chilling on the couch and watching a movie together, laughing until I snort and then him laughing harder because I snorted.

Our visits are not perfect. They are filled with activities that people in “close-proximity relationships” do on a daily basis. They are filled with showing each other every side of who we are–the happy, the sad, the stressed, the angry, and everything in between. Our visits are being a couple together just like any other couple.

But I would argue that our visits are even more special than those in close proximity. To me, long distance just “hits different.” We know–arguably, more than those in close proximity–the value of presence, contrary to what this Instagrammer said. We know our time is limited when are together (at least, for now). We don’t take a single second for granted. We soak up the moments together, and we love each other in our imperfections. We love each other when we are deciding what type of cheese my family would like, and we love each other when we are two seconds away from brawling in the street over directions. Most importantly, we love each other enough to let the other live far away to achieve their dreams–something you just don’t get in close-proximity relationships.

So, to the girl who decided to generalize people in long-distance relationships and who inspired this post today: thank you for sharing your opinion. It has made me that much more grateful for the distance.